Grief

Sometimes even all the words in the world cant describe your feeling,
The stab you feel in your insides when you lose your loved one,
The feeling of your body being suddenly pulled and swallowed underground,
The helplessness of your tongue,
The blankness in your mind which blocks you from processing,
The cluelessness of the next steps,
The reminder of it all each and every day,
Days have passed, months and years will too,
They say time heals, will need to wait to validate that,
For now the grief is like the ocean,
Endless….

Take me back!

My Lord and My God,

Take me back 3 years!

No more no less,

To close unfinished matters,

To never even start certain others,

To pursue my inner passion, 

To mend some relations,

To be back with my bestie,

N Most of all to involve u more in my life this time around…

Is it really too much to ask?!

Oh Take me back 3 years,

My Lord and My God!

Seeking Divine intervention!

(Actually spent nearly 30 minutes staring at the title of this post , not knowing where or how to start….)

Is the title really that lame? Does it really sound stupid to actually sit n wait for divine intervention in one’s life?! I dont know really …but what I do know from past experiences is that it does work……well atleast eventually…so for me its kinda tried and tested!

And No I am not really that religious and like a lot of other people I shamelessly seem to remember God’s existence only and only when confronted with fear, doubt or grief. And for me to name this post with That title is taking the shamelessness to a whole different level! 

But I do believe in ‘karma‘….but the whole ‘hanging in there‘ part is tough.Days when I think do I even have a purpose in this life? And then other days when I feel like just getting lost somewhere,Why do we even call ourselves free when there is actually really nothing ‘free‘ about this life?! Or atleast why does it seem so and why is it so difficult to cross that barrier n break free….? Yea…. so as you can see I do hit the ‘Writer’s block’ of my life quite often!

There is a nice meaningful dialogue in a Malayalam movie that I saw years back….and since then those lines have been etched in my memory.They are said by an old man in the movie.The lines translate to ‘Every event or hardship happening in our life currently may seem like a very big thing to us now but as the days go by…these past incidents become the different stories in the book of our life, Stories that we will think about, discuss and laugh about in the future’. So who knows perhaps there will even be a day when I will laugh about this very blog post!

I wish I knew the unknown….Till then let me be satisfied thinking, like the song goes…..’Are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?!’ …Are we??

A tragic Christmas tale!

Coming from a devout Indian Christian family, I have always been blessed to enjoy and celebrate every Christmas with great pomp and grandeur right from my childhood days in the Middle East.

Like any other kid I believed God was real with great power and strength-up above seated in heaven. The one person who aided in me believing in miracles and magic was none other than our dear Santa Claus. As a kid starting from my LKG days…my mom would prepare me mentally in advance about the magical arrival of Santa Claus on Christmas eve. The night before Christmas would be a sleepless night for me but then my mom used to very cleverly warn me about Santa not giving gifts to kids who didnt sleep well that night. The previous evening, we would draw out 3 chairs (2 for my elder brothers) and place our clean pair of socks on them. And I would shut tight my eye lids that night praying n hoping that the night would pass away in a jiffy. The next morning, we three would run to our chairs and open (more like tear apart) our gifts. I used to explode with joy and laughter.I didnt and still dont know if my brothers knew then but even if they did, they acted well amd besides.. I would never have believed them. I believed in Santa Claus more than I believed in any other person or thing or even God himself.

Years passed away with this yearly ritual. One Christmas a clueless me even asked my mom, how come Santa knew my name so well showing her the handwritten note on my Barbie doll gift packet. My mom would answer back in a rather matter-of-fact tone that after all he was Santa and he knew it all!

To substantiate my statement that I believed implicitly in Santa, I had even gotten into a heated debate in my 3rd std classroom about Santa’s existence. Yes the topic had 2 team sides…one believing in an actual ‘Santa exists’ theory and the other team saying that its a made up concept and it was our parents. Yes u wudnt believe but I did have some other idiotic friends like me supporting my belief. And my very genius rebuttal to those who didnt get any gifts would be “You should have kept your socks…he only gives gift if he sees the socks!!”

The next year suprisingly we came to India for Christmas.I was in the 3rd std and like each of the previous years, this year too I was waiting for Santa right since the calendar page for December propped up. It was only a tad different this time because instead of my brothers my cousin sis was with me for Christmas. She was about 4-5 yrs elder to me and was the I-know-it-all member of the family. The night before Christmas as I put my socks on a chair,she smirked….I ignored. The next day morning, I rushed to my chair and was delighted with my gift- ‘An orange cover stamp collection album.’ After some time my cousin walked towards me and started telling me how it was actually bought by my mother and that there was no real life Santa.Ofcourse I didnt, cudn’t and wouldn’t believe her,after which she went to her room and got a similar green color stamp collection album which she said my mom had gifted her too.Also she seemed to have gotten hold of the bill somehow which clearly showed 2 albums in it.She called my mom in front of me and confronted her. My mom not knowing how to react in front of her niece and not wanting to seem rude to her gave in. And told me it was her all the while…..

I stood there just numb absorbing all of that. All of just 9 yrs…my eyes welled up and I was inconsolable. I didnt know what struck me more- is it that my mom had lied all these yrs to me?or was my anger at God and Santa for fooling me? or at myself for not having the brains to crack this before? and what not! My mom hugged me and said that after all she was like a real Santa to me so it didnt really matter if it was she or Santa himself who gave me all those gifts. But she just didnt understand what went through my 9 yr old mind and heart that day. I felt cheated and lied to…I felt that the whole universe had conspired to fool me with a magic that didnt even exist! My mom was shocked at my reaction but I was even more shocked at hers ! That day I realised how it felt to be cheated and lied to, well you can say I took it very very badly.

Even today when I see little kids getting their Christmas gifts from Santa and opening them with great enthusiasm….I dread that day in their life when they will know the truth.And I quietly hope and wish they take it and process it in a much much better way than I did/could! 😒😒

Note- This post was not meant to offend anyone so no offense please. Also my 28 yr old mind and heart have well gotten over this first tym heartbreak experience😊😊

Love, Luck n Joy,

Tweet to me @NewGirlNewCity

Happiness is …..

U know those ‘Happiness is …’ posts these days with those stick drawings of ppl…,i think it has suddenly become very popular coz its honest,simple and very adorably cute posts. So today on cing one of those…i was just wondering to myself what or rather when do i feel really very happy in my life?! So i came up with my own list…and no there are no drawings…i wud hav made some had i not got ‘D’ grade in art class in 5th standard after which i made a vow to never draw again πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

So coming bak to my list (Some of it is stupid but u wud understand it only from my perspective which u obviously cudnt coz u wud have to become me then πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)

  • Happiness is lying wrapped in a cozy blanket as you prepare to sleep on a chilly nite n u dont need to wake up early next day.
  • Happiness is going for long walks with your bestie, chatting and laughing again n again on old jokes and life experiences.
  • Happiness is feeling that much awaited new book in your hands and getting prepared to start reading it with a cup of coffee.
  • Happiness is listening to your favourite song getting played from your random playlist just when there is exactly time enuf for one last song.
  • Happiness is bollywood dance.
  • Happiness is watching your mom laugh crazily at a joke u just cracked.
  • Happiness is getting window seat (nywher and everywher)
  • Happiness is wearing ur fav pyjama or nighty set to sleep.
  • Happiness is buying a much needed gift for sumone and watching them open it.
  • Happiness is getting to be the default deejay of whichever or whoseever car u sit in while going for a long ride.
  • Happiness is the sore after-feeling of a gud work out.
  • Happiness is having the full liberty to make decisions on your own (no matter hw stupid or nonsensical they may sound.
  • Happiness is spending hours on a quiet beach.
  • Happiness is watching ‘Ellen’
  • Happiness is watching cute dog videos (esp soldiers homecoming ones)
  • Happiness is talking baby language (kid talk) with elder brothers.
  • Happiness is reading your 10th std autograph/slam book.
  • Happiness is eating the following in no particular order whenever and wherever-
  1. vada-pav
  2. Omlette (no cheese)
  3. boondi raita
  4. Coffee-bite toffee
  5. ‘Aero’ chocolate
  6. Waffles (with maple syrup)
  7. Popcorn (salted)
  8. Buttermilk (spicy)
  9. Donuts (freshly made hot ones with no toppings)
  10. Anything that has PANEER in it
  11. Fish n chips
  12. Idli chutney with filter coffee
  13. Olives (salted)

Love,Luck n Joy

Tweet to me @NewGirlNewCity

Drive the blues away!

So I think I have shared a lot of my thoughts here….my favourite quotes n pics as well…so now I thought of introducing yet another set of my favourites…this tym its music…

I m a hardcore music lover like every Indian i guess…especially bollywood (yup i do hear a lot of english as well as regional stuff but i thot of concentrating just on bollywood songs in this post). So if you hav read atleast a few of my posts…u r sure to know that I am a noir lover…yup so here goes my favourite list of sad heartbreak bollywood songs…this ultimate list includes all my favourite numbers n they are forever there in my Dukhi playlist! I have also put up the youtube links for the songs so incase u havent heard them…u surely can now…rite away!

1.So my list is not exactly in the chronological order but i will try.So first up is ‘Ae Ajnabi’ from DilSe.The lyrics in this song is so beautiful especially if you are reaching out to a loved one with whom u hav no touch now or to sumone really far away from u both physically or emotionally! ARR just goes to prove that he is ace!

https://youtu.be/RNjBz0kdaJk 

2.Second up is ‘Tadap Tadap’ from Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. The movie itself was a musical saga of the legendary Ismail Darbar…this song is about painful separation between 2 lovers. The stanzas are so good n meaningful that it will surely make one cry.

https://youtu.be/NV_XDwH606c

3.’Tanhayee’ from Dil Chahtha Hain…the movie was a cult movie.But this sad number is a killer…its all about loneliness as the song title aptly means.

https://youtu.be/ZkwaiIGoyT4

4.’Nahin Samne’ from Taal. Another brilliant musical saga by ARR.Hariharan nailed it vit his soothing vocals.

https://youtu.be/-8tojQ18w08

5.’Mathura Nagarpati’ – Raincoat.Not many ppl like this song but its one of my fav. Shuba Mudgal almost narrates a story in this iconic song.This is the kind of song tat gives me a chill down my spine.

https://youtu.be/VC0RcZ5kwkE

6.’Ya Rabba’ – Salaame-E-Ishq. Kailash Kher wrks his magic in this song…and the lyrics especially touches ur heart in a very special way if ur heart has ever been broken.

https://youtu.be/pMFl6R5OqT4

7.’Aaoge Jab Tum’ from Jab We Met.This song is almost similar to the one above.

https://youtu.be/WPwTPhFMm3k

8.’Tune Jo Na Kaha’- New York. Again this song doesnt come up in everyone’s playlist but it does in mine esp for the lyrics. Its about love which goes unexpressed.Also with this song the Mohit Chauhan era sets in.Plus this song serves as an excellent lullaby if u r sleepless.

https://youtu.be/uVTdmJIcjtQ

9.’Jag Soona Soona Lage’ – Om Shanti Om. Excellent beats for a sad song.Oh and with this song enters the Rahat Fateh Ali Khan era.😊

https://youtu.be/5VP-tau_XfU

10.’Lehrein’ – Aisha. This song was the only thing good about the movie and it is my official favourite sad song.Its about broken plans and broken dreams. With this music Amit Trivedi proved that he is no less to ARR.

https://youtu.be/WYDc1JQqduY

11.’Kun Faya Kun’ – Rockstar. Yup God is God and ARR proved that with this movie.This Sufi number is magical and it will truly help anyone and everyone who has any trouble in his life.Its talks about eternal trust and devotion to the almighty.

https://youtu.be/T94PHkuydcw

12.So my list is nearly ending here.’Tu Kuja’ from Highway.By now you know ARR is my favourite. But the credit for this song i think would go to Sunidhi Chauhan for her vocals.Great variation in the music and Sunidhi catches some insane high tones.This song is also about devotion to God…a song about being desperate and seeking immediate divine intervention.

https://youtu.be/_7oqN2WeRNM

13.List would be totally incomplete without PritamDa. ‘Kabira’ – Yeh Jawani Hain Diwani.Well this song wudnt entirely come in the sad category…but it does call out to someone who is leaving n hence is sad!

https://youtu.be/jHNNMj5bNQw

14.’Agar Tum Saath Ho’ – Tamasha. So among the recent ones this would be my ultimate fav.Alka Yagnik and Arijit would hav seemed like an odd pair but this song has proved that they are amazing n legendary.The end esp is killer with both the male n female voice intertwining. ARR- you rock Sir!

https://youtu.be/6SGRn9OHtFY

15.’Channa Mereya’ – Ae Dil Hain Mushkil.Never really thought this movie would make this list coz i hated the movie but this song….this song just maybe saves the film!The lyrics honestly cant get any better! Absolutely love it…Mere zikr ka zubaan pe swaad rakhna…!

https://youtu.be/z-diRlyLGzo

So tats my ‘heartbreak’ πŸ’” playlist…So drive away the blues with these awesome numbers.Tata!

Tears

Dont know when it started and when it will end…
Started vit ‘wailing’ at birth,bewildered probably as to where I have landed…cries for milk, attention, toys, love, air…those the cranky ones..
Then came the school agonies…the one cry in 3rd grade wen I spent a little more than allocated time at my frnd’s house,mom beat me black n blue…obviously worried tat I got lost,twas a foreign country after all…after wich she gave me my fav potato wafers to eat,those tears pouring out whilst eating….
Then bak in homeland I grew….high school…’constant’ sobs for the beatings for getting lesser marks than my classmates…
The ‘muffled bathroom’ crying in 6th grade when a creep tried to molest me in public transport bus…acting like a blind man vit those haunting dark glasses…havnt quite gotten ovr tat…
The ‘quiet’ tears on the train berth when I was forced to leave my favourite city after 10th grade….to settle in another unknown city near my native place….
The ‘scared to death’ crying in bed in the 11th grade…in hostel dormitory…scared of a pervert known to break in to the campus…
The’helpless’ cry when I lost a very dear frnd to bone cancer in the 12th grade
The ‘broken dreams’ crying after I failed to get a decent score in medicine entrance…which was a dream then…and mayb still….
The first tym I felt my heart break in colg wen sumone I liked told me he had liked another girl…n even went on to marry her many yrs later…wich I m glad he did…
The ‘let me now die lord’ cry wen a certain intestine ailment almost killed me with excruciating pain in my stomach….
The many tears when other so called ‘crushes’ n ‘friends’ came and left…
The point is….the ‘tears’…it never seems to end…!

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