Grief

Sometimes even all the words in the world cant describe your feeling,
The stab you feel in your insides when you lose your loved one,
The feeling of your body being suddenly pulled and swallowed underground,
The helplessness of your tongue,
The blankness in your mind which blocks you from processing,
The cluelessness of the next steps,
The reminder of it all each and every day,
Days have passed, months and years will too,
They say time heals, will need to wait to validate that,
For now the grief is like the ocean,
Endless….

Its okay!

Its okay to make wrong choices…else u will never learn the difference…
Its okay to be argumentative …u atleast have a point of view…
Its okay to feel weak at times…reminds u tat u r nothing when compared to the Creator n His creations…
Its okay to sumtimes be the hated one…tat requires guts too..
Its okay to make mistakes and then repeat some too…atleast u dont follow a rulebook…
Its okay to break the rules…sets u free atleast for a while….
Its okay to be judged…it enlightens u about the other…
Its okay to laugh loudly at ur self with tears of joy….atleast u know u r naive n down to earth…
Its okay to be termed unpredictable… u are neva gona be boring…
And Its okay to be fully u at all times…only then can u be fully alive!

Tweet to me  @NewGirlNewCity

Oru youth festival katha

You know everytime I watch the movie ‘Poomaram’, I am flooded with my own memories from back in 2005/2006(frankly speaking I dont remember the exact year). Yes almost 15 years back, no kidding.

So I had just moved from Maharashtra to Kerala, yes a complete change of culture, language and ofcourse a land with zero friends. I cried and cried while I left Pune after my 10th,but my mom was adamant that I should complete my remaining education in Kerala. It made no sense to me, so, since I was furious with her, the only condition I put forward is that I would stay in a hostel/boarding and that I would NOT stay with my mother. Yes she agreed and rest is history.

So coming to my 11th std life in Trivandrum, I slowly and steadily made friends in school as well as in the boarding home. Yes it was the typical boarding types you may have read in the Malory Towers series. Long hallway, dormitory, huge study hall, prayer room, mess area, restroom area etc.

Anyway now coming to the Higher secondary school sub district level youth festival in Trivandrum, this would further pave the path for district and state level youth festival in Kerala. So since I had just landed from Pune and since my Hindi speaking skills were good, I was forced by my principal to try a hand at Hindi elocution. I was terrified, not cause it was in Hindi but this was something I had never ever tried before. I mean dance was(is) my jam but hindi elocution?! I finally gave in as you know I could not say no to my principal. So I was trained with an ex student from my school who was a really strong and capable young lady. She was then studying at All Saints college(I think!) Anyway she trained me for days and days . The poem selected was ‘Khooni Hastakshar’, written by GopalPrasad Vyas, it was a tribute to Netaji Subash Chandra Bose. Mind you the poem was in itself quite difficult to memorise plus my trainer was particular that I had the right emotions while reciting. She said it was not mere reciting, she wanted me to actually feel each and every line. And so I did. I memorised it thoroughly, with the right emotions and right gestures. I almost became Netaji myself whilst reciting it. So much so that it was exhausting to recite it completely even just once.

And FINALLY the day arrived. The youth festival location was bustling with activity, young girls and boys, most of them decked up for their performances in various dance events, some just loitering around (bird watching) while some responsible ones arranging and running the whole show. I found the venue for Hindi elocution quickly. So there were about 25 or so registered for the event and I remember I was among the last ones to perform. Initially when it started there was hardly an audience and I felt maybe its because nobody is interested especially in Hindi recital. But by the time I was called on stage, I could see a jam packed audience, I almost freaked out. But then I composed myself and thought to myself that all the days of rigorous practice was for this one day. I didnt care to win but I wanted to give the best performance of my life. And so I started. I don’t know if it was my tone, my dramatic gestures or my emotions, I had the audience hooked from the very first line. Till then the audience had never seemed interested in the event, but when I ended my khooni hastakshar, the entire audience broke into an applause, so did the judges and I knew I had performed reasonably well. I went back to my seat and everybody around me (strangers, teachers n students from other schools all congratulated me) I was pleased because one I had no idea I could ever pull this off and I had just done it and two I respected my principal and my trainer too much and wanted to genuinely make them proud.

And so there was another performance or two and the program ended, curtains were down and I saw the judges discussing the results. And Lo, a man walks in from behind and talks hurriedly to the judges. They all discuss something for a while and again the curtain opens and there appears another contestant. He has all this makeup on, I realised he had just come from another dance performance. His chest number for Hindi elocution was way before mine but they allowed him to participate. I obviously wasnt bothered but then people around me started mumbling. And then he started his poem. Yes, it was again, Khooni Hastakshar. I was dumbstruck, quite disappointed that he had chosen my exact poem. But tats not the point. He recited it in one stretch with no emotions, no tone change and even some wrong words. It actually looked weird cause here he was saying a very serious poem asking for fighters to join in the war for independence and his face was dressed up like a kathakali artist. If we have to compare our performances, the only similarity would have been the actual poem but our ways of presenting it was truly poles apart. So he ended, the crowd hardly gave any reaction but I clapped because although I hated his performance I knew how difficult the poem was to memorise and I also admired him for reciting it despite the whole makeup avatar.

The results come in and I was awarded second. I was shell shocked, no not because I was second but because the kathakali guy won the first prize. I was furious, because I was willing to lose to just about anyone but him. Because he didn’t deserve it, he had ruined the poem and Netaji would definitely never have accepted the tribute had he heard his recital. Those around me were shocked too and urged me to file an appeal. Now an appeal is like a third umpire call in these youth fests and believe me, its quite a process. Everybody in that audience asked me to file an appeal. It was then I heard some flying news(udti khabar). Our boy was actually a favourable one for some overall trophy for max participation (equivalent to Kala pratibha types) and he could win that only with those crucial 10 or so points from Hindi elocution. Yes it was all fixed and he would have won the Hindi elocution any which way.

So I was advised against an appeal by some wellwishers who told me that this was anyway a fixed affair and there wouldn’t be any point. So yes I let it go. (Let it go, let it go…) I even went on to see him win the overall trophy. Mind you his dance performances were really good. He went on to participate in district and state level I think but I am not sure if he won there.

So after I watched ‘Poomaram’ movie, I suddenly tried to search this guy on fb after almost 15 years. But I was not able to track him perhaps because I don’t remember his name and I am not even sure of the year. I think I heard many years back that he is a doctor now residing outside India.

Well it’s not like I have any bad feelings from this whole episode, but it’s just that this movie refreshed all my dormant memories. Youth festivals are truly a very different n fulfilling experience in student life, and something that only those who have experienced it atleast once can relate with!

Tweet to me  @NewGirlNewCity

The Non pluviophile

I bet 80% of you already dislike me after reading this title!

But stay a while and read it through, will you?……….please?!

So yes I kind of dislike the rains……no, I didnt say ‘hate’, I said ‘dislike’, but not ‘hate’ coz thats too harsh…..for example…I ‘hate’ terrorism and I ‘dislike’ the rain. So theres a huge difference.

Now that thats clear, coming back……I think I have never really been a big fan of it…even from childhood. I often get told ‘How are you even a mallu (keralite/malayalee) if you dont like the rains?!’ I understand…but maybe all the upbringing in the North has made me like this. I actually love the summers…the sunlight,the brightness,the shine,the light…as opposed to the wet and dark. And I recently googled out that there is a term for such ppl too..Heliophiles😊😊! I know it sounds a lil lame…but yes it does exist.

But hey I do know there are millions who love the monsoons….esp in those places that see very less rainfall in a year…and ofcourse the farmers who actually worship rain…not to forget those affected by drought and heatstrokes.

Surely you may have said in your mind to me the famous proverb ‘you dont know the value of your eyes unless you become blind’! But no its not that and my sincere respect to the raingods for their grace on us🙏. I really do mean it.

My post should actually get over here because I dont have a lot more to say on the rains…but then I dont think I am done. There is just one more thing I want to share with you…which are actually nothing but some life lessons I have learnt as a result of all this –

1.Not everybody is the same-You may be from the same region and speak the same language, but your preferences could be completely different from another’s. So dont judge! To each their own 😊

2.Your hard phase is temporary-Summer is followed by Monsoon which is again followed by Summer….Your sad/hard/difficult phase will come and go.Nothing is permanent…not your life and certainly not your situation!Change is the only thing constant in this world😊

3.A part of someone you dont like should not prejudice you to dislike the whole person– I may not like the rains but I am a beach lover (obvious from my earlier posts), but both revolve around the same element- water. You may meet a lot of ppl in life whom you disagree with on certain stuff, but then again dont assume things based on some topics or discussions!

4.There are a lot of things we dont know about others and their situations, so respect and try to understand one another. I may have no idea what the farmers and their families go through with even a single day delay of the monsoons.The growing number of farmer suicides should hurt you,me and everybody. Lets not be irresponsible and indifferent towards those in pain and difficulty.

5.You may be thinking that this post actually has nothing to do much with the rains and that brings me to the last life lesson I have learnt –Dont judge a book by its cover and dont judge people by how they look or seem to appear.

Love n luck!😊😊

Tweet to me @NewGirlNewCity

Turning 29!

I think I have officially reached the ‘writer’s block’ of my life. Sort of clueless with what’s happening and kind of still just going on with the flow. I happened to turn 29 a few days back n tat has just added to my misery. A clueless 29 yr old woman I hav turned into! 😊😊😂😂

For what its worth, belated happy birthday to me!How fast time flies…The other day I was chatting with my bestie when we got around discussing the past. A lot seemed to have happened in other ppl’s lives during the past 5-6 yrs, each of which maybe even those concerned ppl may not remember but my bestie and I do! Reason being ‘the subject matter ppl’ having all moved on in life with higher studies abroad or marriage n kids etc etc. Thats when I realised that I probably remember everything about everybody else in the past yrs because I havent progressed in my life. I continue to dwell in the past. A past where nobody exists but I. A past that sort of now has become the only driving force in my life due to good n intact memories. I wish to tell myself tonight ‘Hang in there’!😊

Tweet to me @NewGirlNewCity

To Kill a Mockingbird!

Better late than never!

I have always wanted to read the famous book ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ published in the 1960s by Harper Lee right from my childhood…and so very recently I finally did. And I regretted not reading it earlier…

I was touched by so many lines in the book.Infact Atticus Finch is my role model for life. Thank you Harper Lee, I am sure it would have taken a lot of guts to publish this book addressing very serious social issues those days.The title cudnt have been more apt.What makes the book appealing is the innocence in it since it is narrated from a child’s perspective.

And for those of you who havent read it yet…pls do so now…I plead you to not procrastinate further 😊

Get it on Amazon-

Buy on Amazon-To Kill A Mockingbird

Leaving you with a few quotes from this cult status book-

Tweet to me @NewGirlNewCity

Seeking Divine intervention!

(Actually spent nearly 30 minutes staring at the title of this post , not knowing where or how to start….)

Is the title really that lame? Does it really sound stupid to actually sit n wait for divine intervention in one’s life?! I dont know really …but what I do know from past experiences is that it does work……well atleast eventually…so for me its kinda tried and tested!

And No I am not really that religious and like a lot of other people I shamelessly seem to remember God’s existence only and only when confronted with fear, doubt or grief. And for me to name this post with That title is taking the shamelessness to a whole different level! 

But I do believe in ‘karma‘….but the whole ‘hanging in there‘ part is tough.Days when I think do I even have a purpose in this life? And then other days when I feel like just getting lost somewhere,Why do we even call ourselves free when there is actually really nothing ‘free‘ about this life?! Or atleast why does it seem so and why is it so difficult to cross that barrier n break free….? Yea…. so as you can see I do hit the ‘Writer’s block’ of my life quite often!

There is a nice meaningful dialogue in a Malayalam movie that I saw years back….and since then those lines have been etched in my memory.They are said by an old man in the movie.The lines translate to ‘Every event or hardship happening in our life currently may seem like a very big thing to us now but as the days go by…these past incidents become the different stories in the book of our life, Stories that we will think about, discuss and laugh about in the future’. So who knows perhaps there will even be a day when I will laugh about this very blog post!

I wish I knew the unknown….Till then let me be satisfied thinking, like the song goes…..’Are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?!’ …Are we??

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